I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
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The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
She: “I am expecting…”
Me: “Whoa! Congrats.”
She: “…someone at 3.”
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Webb. James Webb.