Webb. James Webb.
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My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.