[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
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If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
LOL
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30