*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
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Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
Boating season is upon us.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.