microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
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Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I’ve ALWAYS said “A sport is not a sport unless you can play it while shitting.”
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
The hardest thing Vision has to do
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.