@bobsin

Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.

Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…

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@huntigula

If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister

@PhriendlyCody

me: she had wide eyes and red hair,

police sketch artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled

artist: *drawing*

me: like elmo

artist: *stops drawing*

@KalvinMacleod

NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year

ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe

@WilliamAder

Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.

@TheAlexNevil

Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.

@cheeky__gal

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

@sarcasticmommy4

Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*

@LaniBeno

I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.