“Well can I at least pop home quick and get changed?”
-Me, getting my mugshot taken in my Chewbacca onesie
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A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.