I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
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I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight