Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
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Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?