[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
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Forever 21… pounds overweight
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5