The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
You Might Also Like
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Sorry I missed your call
I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?