My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
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4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”