4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
You Might Also Like
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
can I use a minion as a tampon
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine