You Might Also Like
Who has time to monitor followers/unfollowers?
I can barely keep track of my kids and I only have 1 of those.
Wait.
Two. I have 2 kids.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Apparently the safe word has changed to…
NOT THERE IDIOT!!! Followed by a swift elbow to the eye….
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Me checking my bank balance online.
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.