wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
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Coffee is ready.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.