*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
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Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Why soy sad?
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”