If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
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“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
*working in pediatric ER*
kid: *pointing* what are those wipes
me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊
kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them
kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
THEM: Let’s head down to Paradise City. I heard the girls are really hot there.
ME: What’s the grass situation?
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*