If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
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The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
She puts the hot in psychotic
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842