my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
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In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.