I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
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Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
A fake ice cream truck undercover surveillance company called ‘Inside Scoop’
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.