Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
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Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
The Sun
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Well, that didn’t work.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Wait a minute…
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
58.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
If your wife tells you to take a bite of the apple then you take a bite of the goddamn apple why was it so hard for god to understand that
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
I told my mum at dinner that my daughter was talking in a made up language and my mum said all languages are made up and I dropped a potato
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”