so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
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That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospitalson: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
I’m tired of pretending that people know what a first cousin once removed is.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.