The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
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[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
This morning, my 3 year old son emerged from our bedroom wearing several of my wife’s scarves and every bracelet she owns. I know he’s young, and saying this may make me appear close-minded and intolerant, but I don’t want him growning up to be Johnny Depp.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.
When humans do it, they lose a finger.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason