if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
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Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
[Now]
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
Uh oh…
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.