me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
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The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Most Common Source of Electricity
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
Just got to our Airbnb!
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
This may be my favorite dog video ever.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.