me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
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I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
do what now??
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.