Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
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Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
“You should eat only six fries per serving.” What’s next? Telling us something psycho like eating an entire pizza doesn’t count as one serving?
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw