Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
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ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.