People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
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My preschooler talks a lot of trash when we play Chutes and Ladders for someone who needs help counting his spaces.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
put ‘er there pardner!
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
My background check bounced.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.