@ConanOBrien Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
@qwertygirl People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
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@ConanOBrien 
@LoveNLunchmeat Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
@QwertyJones3 Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
@iMakeUIaugh selfie game
@LizHackett “What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
@jakelikesnaps [astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]
@capnwatsisname a one man band getting kicked out of a zumba class
@caseytduncan If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
@Cheeseboy22 If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
@phxguy88 The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?