People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.

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Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.


Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.


Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.


“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect


[astronaut test]
Before you begin, questions?
[hand raised]
“Is it true the moon is cheese?”
Are you that damn mouse again?
[mouse runs out]


If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.


If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.


The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.

Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?