Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
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*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
if i saw a ufo i would simply identify it. not that big of a deal
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.