someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
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Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Goodnight 🐶
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.