Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
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8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
The most dangerous game to play is “resting your eyes” in the morning after shutting off your alarm 😂😂
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Why is everyone getting married at me
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.