It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
You Might Also Like
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
you have three unread messages
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.
Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.
Her: That’s what I heard…
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
This recipe takes only 30 minutes.
3.5hrs after preparing all the ingredients, it did indeed take 30 minutes.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior