My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
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I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I’m giving up ice.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.