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Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba