running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
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My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
I am using the Netflix account of my
•little sister’s
•prom date’s
•ex girlfriend
How many degrees of separation are you from your Netflix account?
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Cool shirt 🙂
🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.