*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
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Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Identify the lie(s) in my spouse’s statement:
“I just need to make a quick stop on our way out of town”
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
What do you hear?
technically true but not a great slogan
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.