I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
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Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Worm CEO cuts workforce in half, doubles productivity
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.