Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
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Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
😅😅😅
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.