therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: π€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈ
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: Iβm a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Vacuumed a section of carpet 20 times before I realized I was trying to clean up a patch of sunshine.
Intellectual powerhouse.
Right here.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
I donβt know whatβs funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
Twitter remains undefeated
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
BaD BoY!!
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Lionel Richie: πΆhello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business