I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
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a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips