Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
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gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who’s gonna pay my bills? me? I didn’t ask for this
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.