Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
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Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
$4 #usedbooks
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel