People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
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SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.