I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
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You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Pigeon open mic night.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
taking June’s advice to heart
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes