I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
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[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
You better watch out
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
In my 20’s: I want to find true love.
In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.