I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
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If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.