dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
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Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
Me too
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Happy Halloween 🎃
Said the murderer.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Stop destroying the earth. This is where I keep all my stuff.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Me: Waiter, check please!
Waiter: *checks under the table* No monsters, sir.
Me: Thank you.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.