[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
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Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one