My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
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Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I got fired from the church nursery for racing the babies.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.