Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
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If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy.
Surgeon: I’m not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.