After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
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Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Only Americans understand
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Endless love does not extend to my root beer float. That second straw is decorative.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.