Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
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A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.
Therapist: …I gathered.
Me: [screams]
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Ape together strong
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Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
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I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING